By Hayley Byrnes.
NBA stars are few and far between; some are born with natural talent, others need nurturing. That’s why when I think of “Basketball Camp”, I think of none other than my friend* Steven Adams. I mean, where else are your kids going to learn how to source MVP’s as best mates or how to take an elbow to the head? It just makes sense. Steven begins running his camp over in New Zealand next month, so let’s take a look into what the children of tomorrow will be learning.
Learn how to get your opponents suspended while looking innocent.
Here, Steven teaches the rare skill of “provoking”. From Nate Robinson to Zach Randolph, Adams teaches your children the art of getting under the oppositions skin. Not everyone has been so blessed to grow up playing rugby like Steven. Kicks to that head and broken bones are as common as a fan wondering why Kendrick Perkins hasn’t been amnestied. Future skills to pay the bills.
Learn to not be a dick!
If there’s one thing I can relate to Steven the most, it’s being a Kiwi in America. When you’re not dealing with another “throw another shrimp on the barbie” quote or explaining that no, you don’t know any hobbits, it’s your job as a New Zealander to make our country look great.
“For me once I go out there to America I’m pretty much representing all of New Zealand because most people haven’t met New Zealand people, so I have to take that into consideration. If I’m like a dick, then they’re like New Zealand guys are dicks. If you’ve just got a normal Kiwi attitude then they’re fine with it” said Steven in Auckland yesterday.
So go forth and be dick-free today!
Being a Kiwi is rad.
Following the lead from Flight of the Conchords, Adams is letting the world in on the Kiwi dry sense of humor. While often regarded as nonchalant, Adams has proven time and time again how important it is not caring about interviews. Be candid, never smile and always make reporters nervous. Adams reminds New Zealanders that their power is in nobody knowing where the hell you’re from. Keep it up, Steven!
Learn real estate with Steven.
Steven knows property. He knows that a clothesline is neither here nor there, he knows his wood, and he can point out the perks of a double oven. Steven Adams Property Developer? Sign me up!
Grooming with Steven.
That hair gel game doesn’t just create itself. Steven will teach your children the art of the “Scoop and Swoop” – sticking your hand in a tub of gel and hoping for the best. See, this is what makes Steven a double-edge sword, he doesn’t only rely on his hair-gel game to get him over the line, oh no. There is also “Summertime Steven”, a special look Steven crafted throughout this year’s Summer League. Short on testosterone and lacking facial hair is a common occurrence throughout the youth of today, and Steven showcases how to pull off the wispy mustache with conviction.
Steven will extend your vocabulary
Some players will cruise through a decade of NBA and leave us with nothing — but not our Steven. Instead he’s generously given us more than most stars in a lifetime.
On his first year in the NBA:
“Probably the biggest thing is the private planes. Wow, that thing’s amazing. Got all the food on there, a bunch of drinks. I don’t know, It’s just amazing, never seen nothing like it. Tables, tables on planes, that’s amazing.”
On Oklahoma City:
“The winter is like, I was sliding around everywhere, it’s really cold. Like thunderstorms, it’s so hot. I was like, ‘Oh, man’. I don’t want to say it sucks, but it’s borderline.”
On watching Kevin Durant play basketball:
“I was amazed like the first time, like ‘Whoa, this is cool’ in practice. But after some time, you get used to it and now it’s just like ‘Cool.’”
“Steven Adams – An elbow in time” – on bookshelves soon.
Steven teaches why New Zealanders are better than Australians.
For most, this is a daily struggle and many misguided Australians go about daily life still not understanding the basic concept – New Zealanders are way cooler than Aussies. While it’s easy to make excuses for the Australians given their low IQ and reluctance to acknowledge their superiors, Steven had been an avid Aussie basher from the start and has used his profile to get the message out there.
“I search out Aussies and make it my job to make their lives miserable” Steven said back in May.
What a guy. Hopefully Steven continues his selfless crusade to get this message out to more people.
It’s OK to be hated.
So what if you got that kid sent off throwing a punch? That’s not your problem! Steven teaches it doesn’t mater if you piss people off, as long as your team is winning.
On people not liking him?
“Kinda sad, to be honest with you. I don’t like people not liking me. I like to think I’m a likable guy. And when they elbowed me, I’m like, “Aww, that’s our friendship out the door.”*Steven is not really my friend although he should be. Hayley Byrnes is a New Zealander living in the fine city of Miami. She runs game-face.net & covers the Miami Heat for SB Nation’s HotHotHoops.com. Follow her on Twitter: @HayloHaylz.